Love Languages, Attractions, and Understanding

walking the springtime block of cumberland ave, my friend brought up love languages. you know, that book about the five ways people express love:

• quality time together
• words
• gifts
• acts of service
• physical touch

she'd just realized she actually likes getting gifts. we talked about ranking them. we both put quality time at the top. words at the bottom. the other three somewhere in the middle, no particular order.

here's why i think quality time wins: if you can just exist in the same space with someone and enjoy it, you'll probably want to do it again tomorrow. it doesn't matter if they're smooth talkers or gift givers or whatever. just being together is enough foundation for another day.

words end up at the bottom because most people aren't poets or screenwriters. we all know those perfect movie lines, so when someone says "you're beautiful" it can feel underwhelming. sure, the right words at the right time matter. they fix problems, make plans, share jokes. but focusing only on words makes love complicated. love crosses language barriers. it doesn't need words.

the middle three? anyone with a job can buy flowers. anyone with a working body can give a hug. anyone who can boil water can make their lover dinner. but here's the thing - these all assume you're healthy and able. as life goes on, you might lose the ability to use these languages. they're temporary.

you could say the same about quality time - distance separates people all the time. true. but we choose distance more than it chooses us. lovers who want to be together usually find a way.

turning the corner to tecumseh road, we'd been talking about giving love. how do you prefer to show it? that's what the book makes you think about - you're reading about ways to express love, so naturally you examine how you express it.

but what about receiving? the flip side of love is attraction. when someone expresses love your way, you feel it. when they don't, you might feel nothing. each love language has a matching attraction:

• time-based (the more time they spend, the more attracted you feel)
• word-based (when they speak your language, literally)
• gift-based (when they bring you things that delight you)
• service-based (when they do things for you)
• touch-based (physical connection deepens attraction)

understanding how someone receives love matters. if you figure out their language, you can speak it. take venus and adonis - if venus loves through touch but adonis feels love through time spent together, she'd do better joining him on the hunt first, saving the physical stuff for later.

when both people give and receive love the same way, that's magic. rare magic. usually it's messier than that. and that's fine. that's why we need understanding. perfect alignment isn't required for a good relationship.